Why is it so damn hard to say no?

Apparently no is a whole sentence...so why do two little letters scare the crap out of so many of us?

Honestly, the mental gymnastics I used to do before saying no are, in hindsight, kind of embarrassing. I was so concerned about people not liking me that I'd dream up elaborate excuses, or more often, just completely override myself and say yes. Yes to dates I didn't want to go on. Yes to projects I dreaded. Yes to plans I'd spend the next two weeks quietly resenting. Because nothing could be worse than someone not liking me, right?

Wrong.

What's worse than someone not liking me is me ignoring my own needs. Over time, my obligatory yesses morphed into resentment, and that resentment started to chip away at me, and inevitably, at my relationships with others.

We need to learn how to say no friends.

Because a life full of appeasement builds an unsettling place to live inside. Over the years I ended up creating a world of discomfort that I had to somehow unravel, one boundary at a time.

It's never too late to set boundaries. Your needs matter, even if only to you. Especially if only to you.

Ok cool-cool I hear you say. But how the fuck do I do it?

I actully have a pretty solid and simple strategy that I use every time I have to make a big decision, but it's only possible if I'm fully tuned into myself, and aware that I even have a choice in the first place.

So firstly, buy yourself time. Unless the building is burining, my guess is that you have a minute to think about whatever it is.

"Can I get back to you when I've looked at what's possible?" is a solid way to create a gap. So is, "hmmm, not sure yet but I'll let you know". And, if you have a strong enough feeling and the courage in the moment, you can even say no. (But if you're like me that was terrifying so refer to the buy-yourself-time frameworks and then move to step two).

Step two: check in with your body. Slow it down (it being your mind), ask yourself the question inside your head, and let the answer come to you through the body. It might take a minute to get the answer, and it will come in the form of a feeling, not a thinking.

How do you feel in your body? Where do you feel that feeling? What does that feeling feel like? Does it have texture or colour? Is it an expansive feeling or a contractive feeling?

That my friends, is your answer. And anything that fights against this is likely connected to people pleasing, and should therefore be told to stand down.

You can honour yourself, you can choose what feels right, and the people that love and resect you will honour that too.

Because you owe it to yourself to please you, not others.