Success, Grief, and the View from the Couch.

Woman sitting on the couch, looking out the window.

I’ve been a bit quiet lately. At first I put it down to taking a break, because I did send myself off on a little Easter excursion to the family for a week and a bit. But then I got back, and my son went away with his dad, and I just felt… uninspired.

I didn’t feel like working, or creating, or doing anything that my best self enjoys. All of those nourishing things just kind of went out the window, and I found myself sat on the couch avoiding life’s responsibilities for as long as my conscience would allow.

This isn’t a confessional, nor is it a cry for help. I’m sharing this because I’m a coach. I coach people and cheer them to go after their dreams, to live their best lives and feel totally aligned and lit up when they’ve been down, and yet I have weeks like this. We all do.

I like to understand things. To get underneath what’s going on—because if it doesn’t make sense there's usually something deeper that’s driving me to feel this way. I just need to create the right conditions to connect with it, because sadly I can’t coach myself.

Here’s what I learned:

Limbo sucks. And I have very much been in limbo lately. In a rocky economy, there have been opportunities that have popped up, sat in my hand, and fluttered away again just as quickly. This is not great for our brains when we require certainty to feel safe.

Success can also bring grief. One of the opportunities has finally landed, and I have a fantastic corporate gig lined up to see me through the next 6 months. As excited as I am to have some regular income, I’m also anxious about the change that this opportunity will bring. I’ll be less available for my son. I’ll have to contend with traffic for a few days of my week, and I won’t have the kind of calendar freedom that I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m also a bit scared of all of the unknowns, even after having reinvented myself over and over again, I still fear change. I fear failure. I fear not being good enough.

Resistance creates persistence. The longer I avoid dealing with what I’m feeling, the longer it persists. If I can shine a light on it, name it and understand it, I can move through it. I wasn’t sitting on the couch procrastinating because I’m lazy. I was sitting there because I wasn’t ready to examine my discomfort, and to feel the depths of what was going on inside of me.

So where am I at now? I’m shifting from frozen discomfort into radical acceptance and responsibility. This doesn’t mean that all of the feelings are gone—on the contrary they’re still very much there. I’ve just allowed myself to feel them fully, without judgement. I’ve reconnected to my purpose, and reminded myself that nothing is permanent. Positive change requires bravery and trust. And although there are no guarantees, I choose to believe that the decisions I have made to move forward and get unstuck will be fruitful. I choose to believe I am moving closer to where I want to be. I choose to believe I am worth it.

I believe that whilst examining our discomfort is never easy, hiding in it is far harder. Momentum can be gained by allowing your lens to focus on the less pretty part of the vista. Send it love, understand it, and give yourself permission to walk through it. It’s the journey through that discomfort where the insight is found.